I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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