I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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