The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
