remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
