I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
