if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
