relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We're too hungover to prance.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
