I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize