I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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