i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
