sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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