You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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