goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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