Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
