nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
