That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
