i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
