she woke up with a sticky ear
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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