Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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