i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
