Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize