So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Your dad touched me again.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
