sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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