Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
