just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
