I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My ATM looks so different sober.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize