I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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