I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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