when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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