id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
