Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
