SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
