WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
two words...techno handjob
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
