this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
