I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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