I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
