Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
