lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
