I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
please don't ironically join a cult
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