Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My dick has a subreddit
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
