My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
