We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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