My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
