Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Can you bring me the toilet please
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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