Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
