Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
