The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
