Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
