You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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