i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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