Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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