You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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