Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
