ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
