I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
