You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
