I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
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