I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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